Keep Your Head Up!

 

 

 

Don't know why I'm torturing myself with this. It's half a year before another kick off. Usually, this time of year, I can do a pretty good job of pretending it doesn't exist...a duller universe but one that's  more manageable than unremitting anticipation.

 

 

A little taste...Reggie Nelson was one a the great defensive players that have come through Florida. He was a defensive back...part of the Secondary tasked with eliminating the passing game. A Headhunter...one of the best the Gators have ever had. Funny to think that the forward pass was introduced to make the game safer. Around the :40-45 mark you see how good he was when a Wide Receiver he's covering flops to the ground rather than catch the ball and be decapitated....and some LL Cool J. 

I'm still working on getting the colors right...especially the blue and there's a few details to be added but it's blocked in...it's set.

 

 

 

Rain, Vomit...Pancakes and Rain. Part 1

Birmingham, Alabama...January 2nd, 2015

 

Dreary going out and violent coming back.

.
Follow the red patches down from Tuscaloosa to the bottom of the screen...me and the Big Man are between Livingston and York...at a gas station. In the dark.

Just as we passed Eutaw the bottom fell out...dropped liked an atom bomb. I had about a foot of visibility...and 20 miles to the next exit. I followed the red tail lights of the car in front of us as closely as I dared. You just don't know how people are going to react when they go blind...they will just stop...even on the interstate...or they'll pull off on the shoulder and suddenly you're not on the road anymore...with no where to go.  You wait for the car behind you, doing the same thing, to get up in your trunk.



I have spent my life on the interstates and highways of The South and the US. If I asked an actuary he would probably tell me I should be nervous every time I get behind the wheel at this point...but, it's one of the most comfortable places I can think of. Not Saturday night...not since I ignorantly climbed up on the Red Mountain Pass a few years ago have my nerves been that racked in a car. I had the Big Man on board...of course, he was passed out in the back.

Thank God...we fishtailed and slid our way to the next exit and a Chevron station.* It was a gathering of shell shocked drivers...soaked and bug-eyed. There were flash flood warnings, tornado warnings**...it was raining sideways, screaming through under the awning. The Big man just wanted a sandwich...a ham and cheese sandwich from the in store Subway.

"You want any mayonnaise or mustard?"

"No sir...just ham and cheese...and bread of course."

We weren't gettin' back on the road anyway...and I was just glad he was eating (more on that later). I just need a cup of coffee...but they didn't have any coffee cups...let that sink in...no coffee cups at a gas station. Then the lights went out!

"E'erybody stay where you at...Lock the doh," the girl barked from behind the counter.

Her first instincts were procedural...to protect the store's property and shield herself from any responsibility for it's loss. Then the lights flickered back on...and her better instincts kicked in. Standing elevated, like in a pulpit, looking down above the crowd gathered at the door...

"Man fu****** this...I gotsta go!"

"Daddy can I eat my sandwich in the car?"

As we went through the unlocked door, I heard her...

"No. No. You do not need to talk ugly to me."

Anyway that's what happens when the lights go out at the curb store. This is what happens when you steal...

 

Other than some spicy fried chicken from Popeye's...that was the trip back. The trip out began with a bag of candy corn. We'll get to all that...

 



...next.

 



 *Just so you know adamparsons...we filled up for 1.89 a gallon. Adamparsons has a fascination with our gas prices...he tracks 'em like a trainspotter.
 

*Tornado watch means the conditions are right for a tornado...tornado Warning means one has touched down in the area.

Florida v Florida State

I've been worthless around here the last week...here and everywhere else. Martha and The Boy went up north last week to see her parents and every day they were gone I became more and more useless. I think it's my true nature.

Can't sit on my ass today though...today is Florida vs. Florida State. The Georgia Bulldogs are Florida's oldest rival...they are a respected rival from the SEC. There is no respect for Florida Sate...former teachers college that went co-ed to get G.I. Bill money...now known for it's first class circus school and not much else. Literally...if you want to be a clown, FSU is your school.

They've had some football teams though...when you have no admissions standards and you're willing to take on rapists and thieves. They haven't lost a game in two years...not since the Gators curb-stomped them in Tallahassee. They're back there today again...the town where I was born...where my hatred for these Johnny-Come-Lately-New-Money-Low-Rent-Elephant-Dung-Sweepers was born and festered for 13 years.

Go Gators!

Florida opts to kick the ball off and stones FSU on the 10 yard line.

The sight of these two teams excites me more than any other than sports. Neither teams have changed uniforms since at least 1979...it's looked the same since I can remember. I lived with these people and had to listen to their shit for 364 days a year. It mattered more than anything else to me when I was a kid...not much has changed.

The Seminoles got nothing out of that...punt clowns.

G&^ (&*(*&&*^(*&^*(!!!! Gators went hard after the punt and got a roughing the kicker penalty. First down Criminoles.

Replay shows it wasn't even a roughing penalty but, SHIT DON'T MATTER. INTERCEPTION!!!!

Gator ball on FSU 40.

Gator offense sucks balls...and then they tried some trick fake punt but they couldn't get the ball snapped in time. Same inept nonsense we've seen for the last three years but, will not be seeing next year. The coach has mercifully been fired.

Lined back up for a field goal and split the uprights.

Gators 3 - F$U 0

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
WHAT AN INTERCEPTION. HAHAHAHAHAHA Two possessions...two turnovers!!!

Gator Ball!

Toss to Pittman...1st down Gators.

What an effort...first down Gators.

Another three points for the Gators.

Gators 6 - FSU 0

The Gators are on that ass...they've backed FSU up for more yards than the Seminoles have gained.

D&&&& he smoked that dude. They are beating the crap out of FSU...they may not win the game but they're winning the fight.

Jameis Winston is running for his life out there...fsu punts again.

Gators dropped a bomb on you!

But they can't get any further...another field goal attempt. Knocked it down.

Gators 9 - fsu 0

FSU muffs the kickoff at the 10...then the Gators shut the door. FSU moving backwards again.

Then Jamies throws another interception...Gator ball on the 10...then the Gators throw an interception returned for a touchdown. MOTHER &Y*^(*&T%^(%^%V&*%^*^&*(^&*(^*&*)&YT*(&Y(

Gators 9 - fsu 7

After a typical egregious no-call on FSU pass interference...the Gators punt.

I'm going to make the braising liquid for the ribs...before I start typing things I'll regret.

Seminoles are moving the ball now...on the Florida 10

Third and goal from the 10...touchdown f$u.

Gators 9 - fsu 14

They're getting chippy now...these kids have been playing football with and against each other since pee wee ball. There's a lot of animosity on the field and in the stands. Gators are gonna have to watch it though....fsu won't be called for nonsense by these ACC refs.

First down Gators...could they actually put a drive together.

Another third and long...they're trying to pound the ball...with the idea of wearing the defensive line down but...ef it. Interception.

 

 

FSU ball.

 

He knocked his wisdom teeth out on that one...but it's not really gonna matter.

 

Touchdown FSU...thank goodness it ends today...Muschamp won't e able to do anymore damage after today.

 

Gators 9 - fsu 21

 

 BLOCKED PUNT...TOUCHDOWN GATORS!!!!!

 

We got a game again.

 

Gators 16 - fsu 21

 

Halftime.

 

Great return on the kick off for the Gators. Let's see if they can actually move the ball.

 

Dammit y'all they are moving the ball. Of course FSU was just obviously off sides and it wasn't called but now we have a holding call on the Gators. There's a reason ACC refs aren't allowed in Florida Field anymore.

 

Their still in scoring territory.

 

Another field goal.

 

Gators 19 - fsu 21

 

They are still beating the hell out of them physically...so that's something. They carryin' one of them boys off the field now.

 

Three and out...punt bitches punt.

 

You thought you had an interception..

 

 

Gators picked up another first down...but it's called back on a holding penalty. Of course.

 

Gators punt.

 





Commercial Break...

 

 

After ignoring a huge hold...they call unsportsmanlike on Florida. Bull SH&&&!

 

INTERCEPTION! GATORS BALL!!!!!

 

Unsportsmanlike on Gators....all total 25 yard penalty. This is full on ACC bullshit.

 

After the worst bull shit calls that took the Gators right out of field goal position they miss it. You can't play close with these bullshit people in Tallahassee...you will not stand a chance.

 

Punt criminoles...they'll probably find a way to give you the ball back.

 

Haha...they tried to fake it and were stoned.

 

Gator ball at midfield.

 

Just dropped a bomb on 'em.  They've got to move the ball though.

 

Wide right...another missed field goal.

 

FSU is moving the ball...less than six minutes left but, the Gator D has stiffened.

 

3rd and 18...stop these clowns.

 

FSU gets a field goal

 

Gators 19 - FSu 24

 

This is the situation...the Gators have less than four minutes to score a touchdown. They've scored one all day...right after a turn over. So they're gonna have to drive the field. Something they haven't really been able to do in the four years that Muschamp has been coaching them...but, this is his last three and a half minutes as coach.

 

Gators start on their own 20.

 

First down after scamper by Harris.

 

2:55...left.

 

3rd and 8 yards to a first down...batted down pass.

 

4th down and 8...time out fsu.  The Gators have all their time outs but, for that to work, they'd have to put a three and out on FSU...not likely. So...they're going for it on 4th and 8....Sweet J...

 

HAHASHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH Pass Interference FSU....First DOWN GATORS!!!! HAHHAHAHAHAHA

 

Gator Ball at midfield...2:04 left.

 

Two plays...with two ridiculous over throws...it's like desperation. THere's plenty of time. Get your shit together.

 

Another pointless throw.  &^%&^&&&&^^^^^&&&

 

This is it...wide open...dropped it.

 

&^^%% ALL THIS!!!!

From Frightening to Terrifiying

Before puberty, and for many years after....this was biggest heartbreak in my life.



"Man is there gonna be some property destroyed tonight!"

The late and legendary Larry Munson makes the greatest call in football history...can you hear the cries of a seven year old boy in the background.

The Gators were inches from ruining the Bulldogs perfect season...instead they helped to create a legend.

 

This is Florida's oldest and most intense rivalry...this is the game that matters more than all the others. It's played every year in Jacksonville, Florida at a neutral site...it's known as " World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party ." World's largest wake this year.

Those of you who care already know the death spiral that Gator football is in...those who don't probably aren't interested. All you need to know is this...the best thing that can happen for the Gators today is for them to be blown out of the stadium...so the moron they have "coaching" the team will be fired. I can't root for that though...it's a conundrum. I'm like Sophie.

Touchdown Leghumpers...they're running at will.

Florida 0 - Georgia 7

What will surely be the best moment of the day...CBS just played clips from the game in 1970 with Allman Bros. cover of One Way Out for a soundtrack.


At least the Boy is still excited. He asks me everyday if Muschamp's been fired but, it's uncomplicated for him once they hit the field.

The Gators are moving the ball...:golfclap:

There's the Gators we've all come to know and loath...just snapped the ball over quarterbacks head and lost 15 - 20 yards.

I'll be damned...the Gators faked the field goal and scored a touchdown. McNeely the holder, all 5'8" 165 lbs, ran it in. Ha

Gators 7 - Georgia 7

Dammit y'all...the Gators are on the verge of scoring again. I'm so messed up in my head right now.

Touchdown Gators. I don't know whether to wind it or scratch it. There is no future for Florida football until Muschamps is gone but, I can't see a Gator football player steamroll a Bulldog and not be excited...it's congenital. Arghhhhhhhhh

Gators 14 - Flea Bags 7

Halftime.

Touchdown Gators. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

Gators 21 - Dawgs 7

The Gators are stoning them on defense.  WTF?

It is unbelievably...

Gators 24 - Georgia 7. 

The Bulldogs know that the best thing for their long term future is for the blithering idiot to remain at Florida. They are throwing the game...I hate them.

The Gators look like the Dallas Freaking Cowboys. They're on the verge of scoring again...they'll save Muschump's job today and then go back to sucking ass and we'll be stuck with that idiot for another year.

Gators 31 - Georgia 7

Have you ever just decided to rip it up...get drunk as Cooter Brown, signing, dancing, smashing furniture, telling people who need to get ***** to go get *****....the time of your life. Then you wake up the next morning...and then the events of the previous night start coming back to you in wave after anxious wave. Right now I'm up on the bar waving my bare butt in the face of the entire state of Georgia. I'll be blacking out shortly and tomorrow morning...as I'm rushing for the toilet, it'll hit me like a bat....Will Muschamp is still the Gator football coach and will probably will be for another year.

Georgia managed a touchdown...but failed on the two point conversion.

Gators 31 - Mutts 13

Georgia's moved the ball right down the Gator 10 yard line. 6:00 left.

This is a Chinese fire drill...these ding dongs have no sense of clock management. Catching the ball where they can't get out of bounds to stop the clock...fumbling snaps.  They look the Gators actually.

The Gators just ripped off another touchdown and now the announcers are talking about how the German can keep his job now. That horseface &*&&*&*er Jeremy Foley is on the sidelines. I am officially sick to my stomach.

Gators 38 - Georgia 13....it's over.

And it's over for all Gator fans for another year.

Three Hours Later...

Either I've settled down enough or the booze are finally working but, I'm emotionally available for football again...and we've got a real live football game....

 

Ole Miss and Auburn are playing what is an elimination game. Even though the Rebels lost at LSU last weekend they are still ranked in the top 4...as is Auburn. The loser is out of the SEC and National Championship race. They are beating the Jesus out of one another right now.

 

There's 10:23 left in the ball game and Auburn just scored a touchdown...they've been back and forth from the start.

 

Ole Miss 31 - Auburn 35

 

Bo Wallace admitted that last week he lost it to the crowd at LSU (that crowd is worth a touchdown at least)....but tonight he's on it. Mathers (running back) has been knocked out of game but Sanders and Treadwell are doing their part.

 

Ole Miss driving.

 

Sometimes the Universe is just against you...Auburn has third and long...Ole Miss tips the ball and it's caught right at first down marker. 4:40...Ole Miss still down 4.

 

YESSSSS! Auburn fails to convert third down. Ole Miss gets one more chance.

 

Ha. Good return on punt and then Lewis hits him out of bounds...tack 15 more yards on it.

 

Walton got his dentures knocked out on that one. 2nd down and 11.

 

Flag down...holding on defense....First down Ole Miss.

 

That's a nine yard pick up for Core...and he got out of bounds.

 

First down Walton...2:16 left. Ole Miss still has two time outs.

 

That was a heads up play by Engram....he refused to go down and got out of bounds to stop the clock.

 

Third and three1:39 3rd down and

 

TOUCHDOWN!!!!! TREADWELL...but he got rocked...he got dragged down from behind and then got smoked up top. His foot is pointing in the wrong direction. It's ugly.

 

Now on the replay it looks like he might not have gotten in. He may have lost the ball before crossing the goal line...they may have lost their star receiver and the game on that play. Disaster.

 

Treadwell is the issue right now...they've got the cart out for him. Won't be seeing him again this year. That was hideous.

 

Auburn football.  &^&U%&%*&^^&%*%*^&%*&%VG*^&%^&%*&%&^...damn, damn, damn.

 

39 seconds left...it's third down for Auburn. If they can stop Auburn quickly...they've still got a timeout. At best they'll have a couple of seconds for a desperate pass into the endzone.

 

They got 'em. Ole Miss calls timeout. 36 seconds left. Ole Miss should have 20 seconds or so...which isn't impossible if they play the sidelines.

 

26 seconds left...Ole Miss has the ball at midfield. Obviously Treadwell's out but, Sanders and Engram are there.

 

Here we go...incomplete....that's fine it stops the clock.

 

S*** incomplete again. 16 seconds left...two downs.

 

It's such a sh**y way to lose a ball game. I defy anybody to hang onto a football while their ankle is being snapped in two...he was inches away from the goal line and there was very little struggle for the ball after he dropped it because a touchdown was called. Auburn just fell on it...after the fact.

 

This is it...4th down. 

 

That's that...Heartbreaker.

 

Somebody...anybody...tell me why I do this to myself every Saturday.

 

 

 

1000%

I should be ashamed of myself...it's Sunday. Blogs like Charity Chic Music are offering soothing Sunday Soul...and Singing Bear has posted some beautiful Gaelic Psalms...I am just pissed!!!!

Today, for me, only Death Grips will do. Be warned...there's a lot of rough talk here. Forgive me.



For those of you who missed, or dodged, the game day post yesterday...this is all you need to know about the flipping Gators.


I got some much needed absolution this morning (somehow I don't think next week's kneeling will be for nowt either)...then slept. I've got a headache and I've been painting.

 

Yet another, soon to be, masterpiece that will never hang in my own house. Martha just can't get down with it. I feel bad because she bought the canvas. It's huge. She asked for something to hang in the dinning room...Ha. She should have stipulated "not in a dinning room that you would have but, in one where actual people would be eating." :)

Hotter Than The Spot Where Your Pop Got Arrested At

For those of you who don't care to watch...you might want to listen. The greatest cover version of any song EVAR!



All Saturday's in the Fall are special but, I reckon, this one's extra special

My beloved, and once Mighty, Florida Gators travel to Tuscaloosa, Alabama to take on the Crimson Tide.



This video has not been posted for its song...which is really kinda awful. It's been posted in honor of Vern Lundquist. He's the color man for SEC games...this, at the very beginning of the clip, has to be one of his greatest professional moments. "There are few Truths in an uncertain world..." Indeed. Darth Vader wears Alabama underpants....they  have been described as Manchester United. If so, Kentucky is middle-aged clerks and cops kicking a ball around on Sunday afternoon. Last week it took three overtimes for the Gators to beat Kentucky.

I've also posted it because I was there that day...sadly.

Kick off and commentary @ 2:30 Central Time...be there or be y'all.

2006 was a very different story.



10 minutes.

One play, 87 yards...Touchdown Alabama.

Gators 0 - Alabama 7

Hot Damn! Fumble recovery...Florida ball at Alabama 35.



TOUCHDOWN GATORS!!!!

Florida 7 - Alabama 7

FUMBLE ALABAMA!!!!  Touchdown GATORS! The Gators are ****** WINNING!

Florida 14 - Alabama 7

Hargreaves is a grown man.

WIDE LEFT.  Still...

Florida 14 - Alabama 7

Another one play 80 yard touchdown Alabama.

Florida 14 - Alabama 14

Interception Alabama but not the end of the world...it was 3rd down and Bama got it on the 10. You'd be happy with a punt like that. Of course, they're moving the ball again.

FUMBLE NUMBER THREE for Bama!!!  Gator ball!!!

Fumble Gators...this ridiculous.

It's not gonna stop Alabama from scoring but Neal just put a permanent mark on Travis Henry.

Touchdown Alabama. No bomb just a methodical march down half the field (thanks to fumble).

Florida 14 - Alabama 21

Just lackluster...The Gators are only down seven but they've had no sustained drives...every point coming because of an Alabama turnover. It's the same uptight offense we've seen for the last four years.

Half Time

Florida 14 - Alabama 21

The crowd of nearly 102,000 has been treated to a few brilliant moments and a lot of bumbling. Five turnovers in the first half.  Alabama gets the ball first this half.

INTERCEPTION GATORS. Ball on the Alabama 14...if they can't score six here...nevermind...TOUCHDOWN GATORS!!!!!

Florida 21 - Alabama 21

McCallister put Sims on his ASSSSSS!

How, in the name of cupcakes and kittens, do you give up 23 yards on a rinky dink screen pass????

Next play...Henry walks in for TD.

Florida 21 - Alabama 28

Sims has been knocked out for a play or two but, it hasn't mattered...Yeldon and Henry are running the ball at will now.

That's just pure talent...you can't stop that. Touchdown Alabama on a ridiculously good catch by Cooper.

Florida 21 - Alabama 35

Interception Florida...you might as well turn out the lights...the party's over.

Florida ran a whole 6 plays in the third quarter...Alabama ran 28.

 

Vern is describing it as a show now...nother touchdown for Cooper.

 

Florida 21 - Alabama 42

 

 

Alabama is taking pity on Florida now.

Where Were You

Watch me sweat and complain.

It's like an oven out in that damn room this time of year. It's supposed to be fall but...the late August and early September are stupid hot around here. Don't fret for me though...I love it. It feels so good under the fan right now...beer's so cold. It's the one thing, between Sunday and Friday, that isn't on my nerves right now.



Watch it or don't. Up to you...but, miss it and you'll miss one of the greatest games ever played.



Is it sick that my favorite game is a win that ruined the season of FSU and not one of the numerous SEC and National Championships they've won? :)

Next up...maybe we can get to the bottom of something that has always mystified me...how sports became separated from the higher pursuits like Art, Literature and Music, Dance.

Loathe It or Hate It.

We have almost exactly two weeks before you all start to ignore this blog. Long time readers should already have a nagging sense of what's coming...newer readers will soon find out.

I have tried for years to generate some interest among you fine people. Last year, I even offered up a gift package (which included Moon Pies and a pristine copy of John Shelton Reed's "My Tears Spoiled My Aim: And Other Essays on Southern Culture) to the reader who would pick a team and talk the most trash...the team didn't even have to win. It's not that you should care about SEC Football but, during this time of year, I care about little else. It's merely been an effort to keep people involved.

This year?  The Hell with IT! You don't want to hear about it?

:)

You'll be missing all this....



but, we already know you don't care...even if Johnny Cash did.



Do you know why he hollers out "Sooie"? No you don't....and you never will.

How about a little Otis Redding



No...none for you.

I am willing to offer a little Rocky Top...for Gronmark (no, right now you don't get a first name or a mister...it's tough love for the next four months)...he did make a comment or two last year.



Cute innit?  This is even cuter. That's Courtney Haden as Allistar Cooke explaining the meaning of Rocky Top.

There's a reason, even as Gator fans, we have a cat named Herschel-Walker...



This would be like an Arsenal supporter having a dog named Jimmy-Greaves. Why did we do it? Don't pretend like you care.

:)

Really I just don't want y'all to be around to see me sob like a toddler as the Gators hobble through another season under muschamp.