Rain, Vomit...Pancakes and Rain. Part 1

Birmingham, Alabama...January 2nd, 2015

 

Dreary going out and violent coming back.

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Follow the red patches down from Tuscaloosa to the bottom of the screen...me and the Big Man are between Livingston and York...at a gas station. In the dark.

Just as we passed Eutaw the bottom fell out...dropped liked an atom bomb. I had about a foot of visibility...and 20 miles to the next exit. I followed the red tail lights of the car in front of us as closely as I dared. You just don't know how people are going to react when they go blind...they will just stop...even on the interstate...or they'll pull off on the shoulder and suddenly you're not on the road anymore...with no where to go.  You wait for the car behind you, doing the same thing, to get up in your trunk.



I have spent my life on the interstates and highways of The South and the US. If I asked an actuary he would probably tell me I should be nervous every time I get behind the wheel at this point...but, it's one of the most comfortable places I can think of. Not Saturday night...not since I ignorantly climbed up on the Red Mountain Pass a few years ago have my nerves been that racked in a car. I had the Big Man on board...of course, he was passed out in the back.

Thank God...we fishtailed and slid our way to the next exit and a Chevron station.* It was a gathering of shell shocked drivers...soaked and bug-eyed. There were flash flood warnings, tornado warnings**...it was raining sideways, screaming through under the awning. The Big man just wanted a sandwich...a ham and cheese sandwich from the in store Subway.

"You want any mayonnaise or mustard?"

"No sir...just ham and cheese...and bread of course."

We weren't gettin' back on the road anyway...and I was just glad he was eating (more on that later). I just need a cup of coffee...but they didn't have any coffee cups...let that sink in...no coffee cups at a gas station. Then the lights went out!

"E'erybody stay where you at...Lock the doh," the girl barked from behind the counter.

Her first instincts were procedural...to protect the store's property and shield herself from any responsibility for it's loss. Then the lights flickered back on...and her better instincts kicked in. Standing elevated, like in a pulpit, looking down above the crowd gathered at the door...

"Man fu****** this...I gotsta go!"

"Daddy can I eat my sandwich in the car?"

As we went through the unlocked door, I heard her...

"No. No. You do not need to talk ugly to me."

Anyway that's what happens when the lights go out at the curb store. This is what happens when you steal...

 

Other than some spicy fried chicken from Popeye's...that was the trip back. The trip out began with a bag of candy corn. We'll get to all that...

 



...next.

 



 *Just so you know adamparsons...we filled up for 1.89 a gallon. Adamparsons has a fascination with our gas prices...he tracks 'em like a trainspotter.
 

*Tornado watch means the conditions are right for a tornado...tornado Warning means one has touched down in the area.

Alabamy Bound

Me and The Boy are Alabama bound but...we are not going to fetch our woman. She will be here at the house enjoying a few days without her mens. That's what she claims anyhow...we know better.

What woman really wants time to herself?

So while she's being miserable without us...me and The Boy and Daddy will be in Birmingham to watch the Gators play East Carolina. Despite another abysmal season the Gators managed to get an invite to a bowl...the glamorous Birmingham Bowl.

Alarms are set for 5am...we will be on the road by six. We'll be flying through Meridian by 7:00. You know Meridian Mississippi....ruthlessly brunt to the ground by the Yankees...home of Jimmy Rodgers.



Then on past Cuba...Livingston...Eutaw...to Tuscaloosa where we will be stopping to visit Bryant Denny Stadium .  I may have over sold that stop...as The Boy asked me about throwing the ball on the actual field.

Birmingham is next...and it's Art Museum which I can tell he's underestimating. Once he gets a look at a full suit of Samurai armor...we'll be fine. Besides the next stop is Full Moon ...so, even if he doesn't dig Ida Kolmeyer...

I know he'll dig the ribs.*

Just because...Knebworth**



* I know you rabbits don't care but trust me on this one....

**Skynyrd, of course, is not from Alabama but from the Jacksonville Fl. area...where my brother lives...where my Moma grew up...Gator territory.

Have Eye Nawwt

Most of the Southern accents you hear in the movies and T.V. are nonsense...as bad as anything that came out of Dick Van Dyke's mouth in Mary Poppins. These people are rarely Southerners anyway and, until very recently, if you were a Southerner and wanted to be in the movies, t.v. or broadcasting...you were instructed to get the Cotton Boll or the Peach Pit out of your mouth.

Things have been changing....not only are you hearing real Southern accents but, we're starting to get Southern stories (as opposed to stories about The South). Rectify from A&E was outstanding. Not only did the people in South Georgia sound like Southerners and eat dinner in the middle of the day and say pea-can instead of puhcahn (according to my Little Granny...only uppity people from Atlanta said puhchan)...they communicated like Southerners. What wasn't said was often more important than what was....and what was said usually conveyed a Truth beyond the facts of the sentence.

MUD....not a Movie about The South but, a Southern story...Love and Faith and Violence...coded violence...Retribution and Honor...the Grotesque.



Even now that you hear more actual Southern accents on the T.V. and in Broadcasting...you rarely get an unadulterated listen. People do have to understand you if you're conveying information. That brings us to The Paul Finebaum Show and Tammy.

Finebaum started doing radio in Alabama...like twenty years ago. A sports show. A sports show in Alabama means a show about SEC football in general and the year round rivalry between Alabama and Auburn specifically. It soon became infamous...not only was Paul well connected and unafraid (an Alabama Football coach tried to get him fired...Kenny Stabler threatened to kill him) he took a fiendish delight in letting the callers run wild. It worked...because he's as dry as a Water Cracker...a straight man for a region full of gleefully unhinged people.

When the SEC started it's own network, in co1njunction with ESPN, this year...Paul's Show went national. People have gone nuts for it. National sportscasters are eagerly getting into public spats with local callers...and Charles from Realtown, Alabama...Jim from Tuscaloosa...Phylis are being regularly quoted on Sports Center.

If these people only knew what the show used to be like...when it was regional.

That brings us to Tammy. A long time caller*...her and Paul have been picking at one another for years. Tammy..she's got a cotton boll the size of a softball between her cheek and gum...she don't give a damn whether you can understand her or not. A pure, unadulterated Southern accent for your delight.

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WAR DAYUM EAGLE!

*I'll have to dig up her call about "teabagging" and the one where she threatens to run through Auburn naked...naykid...showing everybody her fanny.

Double Wide

The Sister gets ready for the game.

You couldn't even read this set of circumstances into a Nostradamus quatrain. We see it happening...still and don't believe it. The Mississippi State University Bulldogs, one of the most hapless and maligned programs in the history of SEC football, is undefeated and ranked NUMBER 1 in the nation.

Today they're in Tuscaloosa to face the hated Crimson Tide of Alabama...the most heralded team in SEC football. Alabama has the one loss to Ole Miss...but, they are still very much in the SEC and National Title hunt.

Alabama, because they're Alabama is favored by 8 points but, MSU are a real live football team. It's what we call a slobberknocker ya'll.

Before kickoff I probably should explain the psychology behind the Sister's bleeding hatred of Alabama and the particular tone it takes. Mississippi State is a land grant school...a farm school. Despite the fact that they have a recognized architectural school, they are veterinarians and engineers...but, that doesn't keep the Ole Miss faithful, doctors, lawyers, etc. from tormenting MSU alum about the redness of their necks.

So...Alabama is a chance for the MSU fans to give some of it back.




MSU forces Alabama to punt...but they got horrible field position out of it.

Mississippi State is moving the ball...even if they don't score this is a good sign for the Leghumpers.

Alabama's got the ball again...and they just suckered MSU into a bad pass interference call.

Mississippi State's defensive front is brutal at the point of attack.

Bama punts and again puts the ball inside the 10. This is shaping up to be a real football game. Moving inches at a time...violently.

Right on que...Bama takes Robinson down in the State endzone...Saftey.

Alabama 2 - Mississippi State 0

Alabama got into field goal range and picked up a field goal

Alabama 5 - MSU 0

One thing is clear, Mississippi State belongs on the field with Alabama...they are stout.

State's gonna have to start catching the ball at some point though...geeze

Outstanding play by Wells in the secondary...Bama has to punt.

End of first Quarter

Alabama 5 - MSU 0

What a catch...first down MSU...and they're out of the shadow of their own endzone.

Lewis gets the edge and State's in Alabama territory.

Prescott is smothered...they need him to be able to run.

Interception Alabama...I have no idea where he was throwing that.

Alabama is getting stoned at the line...and their secondary is holding up.

Bama punts.

You can't option the ball 8 yards behind the line of scrimmage...especially on the short side of the field and certainly not against Alabama. Bama ball.

It was just a matter of time...Fowler picks up about 40 on the pass.

Yeldon gashes MSU for a first down.

Yeldon again...acrobatic effort to pick up the first down.

Touchdown pass to Cooper.

Alabama 12 - MSU 0

State has got to show some life on offense now.

That was a ridiculous catch by Cooper...this could get out of hand.

Looked like Henry was in for the score but he fumbled...I'm sure it will be reviewed. This may be too close to overturn but it is Alabama. Get your tinfoil hats out. Now we wait...either State gets the ball and we still have a game or Alabama scored and it could be the beginning of the end.

It goes to Doyle Jackson in the booth and he calls it a touchdown.  The sound you hear outside is black helicopters.

Alabama 19 - MSU 0

Better shake it off dogs.

Light...Prescott hits Johnson for 25

Finally we hear from Robinson...but Prescott is being strangled at the line. It's 4th down and 3. State needs to go for it.

It's on now...unless it's not. Time out MSU.

Prescott gets the first and picks up a facemask call. First down Mississippi State.

Perry blew that s*** up.

3rd and 2

Prescott gets it. MSU has the ball on the Alabama 10 now...they've got to get 7.

Prescott to Wilson...MSU ball on the Alabama 1.

False start on Malone...backs em up five.

That &&^*&^ing penalty made it impossible for MSU to run the ball with 22 seconds left. Three incomplete passes...then 3

Alabama 19 - MSU 3

Halftime

Mississippi State gets ball to start second half and already we've heard Robinson's name...State has got to figure out how to run the ball. Mainly they've got to relax.

Great pick up for Mississippi State...first down deep in Alabama territory.

Dixon pressured Prescott into an incompletion...

As Martha just dejectedly explained..."You're not gonna win this game with field goals."

Alabama 19 - MSU 6

Hell of an effort by Stuart but not enough...Bama punts.

Bama is still putting the hammer on Prescott.

How does Lewis drop that ball?  MSU punts...unforced errors are killing them.

Bama's knocking on the door again...thanks to another s***y punt from Bell they've only had to cover half the field.

WIDE RIGHT...Bama misses the field goal. State is still in it.

That was balls out by Robinson...First down MSU

Prescott to Wilson...Prescott to Wilson...they're moving the ball and hanging in.

26 yard gain by Robinson...it's on now.

Interception Alabama...another dumb throw.

In the time it took me to burn a square...Bama had to punt and MSU has moved to ball to the Alabama 4 yard line. First and Goal.

End of Third Quarter

Alabama 19 - MSU 6

WHILE WE'VE GOT A SECOND, THE SISTER SAID SHE WAS GOING TO KILL ME FOR POSTING THAT PICTURE....SO, IF I DON'T POST IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS CALL THE PO-LEESE.

Touchdown!!! MSU!

Alabama 19 - MSU 13

Bama just picked up an important first down...but, it's not getting any easier for them.

SHE'S ALSO JUST THREATENED TO KILL ONE OUR COUSINS...SHE ISN'T HANDLING THE PRESSURE WELL.

Alabama gets another first down...by the skin of their teeth.

Bama is willing the ball down the field now...it's grown football.

Touchdown Alabama.

Bama 26 - MSU 13

State is moving the ball.

Ragland stops Robinson but not before he picks up 6 or 7 yards.

Third Interception...that might do it y'all.

MSU might lose tonight but anybody who thinks they aren't one of the best teams in the country is a fool.

State stopped them...there's 3:23 left in the game. State needs a quick score and an onside kick. It's a long shot...long...but a shot.

Robinson is shaped like a beer keg...runs like a bull.

State is knocking on the door again....49 seconds.  And they still have to retrieve an onside kick

WTF are they doing running the option...there's less than 30 seconds left. WTF they've got two time outs left. WTF are they doing.

Touchdown Dawgs. 

Alabama 25 - MSU 20.

Onside kick coming up...if they get it...two plays, maybe 3.

Alright then...Bama recovers kick. It' over but State is not out of National Championship race. They played a great game...despite some mistakes.

The Sister is really spewing the hate right now.

I post the following on her behalf...I am not responsible.

 

 

Be ready next week clowns. It's The Game.

 

 

 

My Eli's have one loss to Dartmouth this year...Harvard are 9-0. This time next week they'll both be 9-1 but, only YALE will be Ivy League Champs. 

 

Be there or...continue to be y'all.

 

 



Hotter Than The Spot Where Your Pop Got Arrested At

For those of you who don't care to watch...you might want to listen. The greatest cover version of any song EVAR!



All Saturday's in the Fall are special but, I reckon, this one's extra special

My beloved, and once Mighty, Florida Gators travel to Tuscaloosa, Alabama to take on the Crimson Tide.



This video has not been posted for its song...which is really kinda awful. It's been posted in honor of Vern Lundquist. He's the color man for SEC games...this, at the very beginning of the clip, has to be one of his greatest professional moments. "There are few Truths in an uncertain world..." Indeed. Darth Vader wears Alabama underpants....they  have been described as Manchester United. If so, Kentucky is middle-aged clerks and cops kicking a ball around on Sunday afternoon. Last week it took three overtimes for the Gators to beat Kentucky.

I've also posted it because I was there that day...sadly.

Kick off and commentary @ 2:30 Central Time...be there or be y'all.

2006 was a very different story.



10 minutes.

One play, 87 yards...Touchdown Alabama.

Gators 0 - Alabama 7

Hot Damn! Fumble recovery...Florida ball at Alabama 35.



TOUCHDOWN GATORS!!!!

Florida 7 - Alabama 7

FUMBLE ALABAMA!!!!  Touchdown GATORS! The Gators are ****** WINNING!

Florida 14 - Alabama 7

Hargreaves is a grown man.

WIDE LEFT.  Still...

Florida 14 - Alabama 7

Another one play 80 yard touchdown Alabama.

Florida 14 - Alabama 14

Interception Alabama but not the end of the world...it was 3rd down and Bama got it on the 10. You'd be happy with a punt like that. Of course, they're moving the ball again.

FUMBLE NUMBER THREE for Bama!!!  Gator ball!!!

Fumble Gators...this ridiculous.

It's not gonna stop Alabama from scoring but Neal just put a permanent mark on Travis Henry.

Touchdown Alabama. No bomb just a methodical march down half the field (thanks to fumble).

Florida 14 - Alabama 21

Just lackluster...The Gators are only down seven but they've had no sustained drives...every point coming because of an Alabama turnover. It's the same uptight offense we've seen for the last four years.

Half Time

Florida 14 - Alabama 21

The crowd of nearly 102,000 has been treated to a few brilliant moments and a lot of bumbling. Five turnovers in the first half.  Alabama gets the ball first this half.

INTERCEPTION GATORS. Ball on the Alabama 14...if they can't score six here...nevermind...TOUCHDOWN GATORS!!!!!

Florida 21 - Alabama 21

McCallister put Sims on his ASSSSSS!

How, in the name of cupcakes and kittens, do you give up 23 yards on a rinky dink screen pass????

Next play...Henry walks in for TD.

Florida 21 - Alabama 28

Sims has been knocked out for a play or two but, it hasn't mattered...Yeldon and Henry are running the ball at will now.

That's just pure talent...you can't stop that. Touchdown Alabama on a ridiculously good catch by Cooper.

Florida 21 - Alabama 35

Interception Florida...you might as well turn out the lights...the party's over.

Florida ran a whole 6 plays in the third quarter...Alabama ran 28.

 

Vern is describing it as a show now...nother touchdown for Cooper.

 

Florida 21 - Alabama 42

 

 

Alabama is taking pity on Florida now.

Mississippi Kid

Alright then...that was Louisiana this week. Actually the place I stayed in Alexandria wasn't nearly so nice as that. Is there anyone here who doubts my slobbering devotion to Dixie? Well, even I have trouble making something romantic out of north Louisiana (as opposed to south Louisiana which is one of my favorite places on the part of the map that matters) I'm pretty sure those arrows are pointing east toward Mississippi...though given Byzantine layout of Alexandria (bypasses, three way stops off of frontage roads, loops to nowhere...loops...to nowhere) could probably just pick a spot on the compass and you wouldn't be wrong.

For me the arrows are pointing east-southeast through Alabama and Georgia into North Florida. I'm heading out, in the morning, to spend a few days with my Daddy...playing golf and drinking coffee. A decades old winning formula.

Provisions for the trip have been gathered...



Instead of the usual route that would take me down through Mobile, Alabama and along the Panhandle of Florida, I'm going first to Birmingham...then I'll wind my way down through Montgomery into the Wiregrass, with a swing through Georgia...just because.

I have my reasons, other than the fact that I've been making that same ride through Mobile for 25 years...namely Full Moon BBQ and the Birmingham Museum of Art. I had been under the impression that they had a collection of works by Jonathan Lasker...that was why I had originally made plans to go that way. I don't think his work is there anymore but...they have just reopened the African art collection (in the grand reopening was today)...so my plans are the same.

For the curious, Jonathan Lasker and African masks and shields have as much to do with my paintings as tractor trailers and firework stands. Which is to say, a great deal.